Open mouth, Insert foot.
%
Sushido, n.: The way of the tuna.
%
He who slings mud generally loses ground.
%
Why use Windows, since there is a door?
%
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
%
Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
%
Interchangeable parts won't.
%
Save energy: be apathetic.
%
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
%
No matter what happens, someone always knew it would.
%
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
%
Don't forget: Hiroshima '45, Chernobyl '86, Windows '95
%
Cannibals agree: A mime is a terrible thing to baste.
%
It's been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
%
Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers.
%
Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
%
Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked "Who goes there?"
%
Life is something none of us get out of alive.
%
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
%
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
%
Barium: what you do with dead chemists.
%
Veni, Vidi, Velcro: I Came, I saw, I stuck around.
%
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
%
Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
%
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
%
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
%
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
%
Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
%
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
%
Memory fault - where am I?
%
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
%
A person with a tidy desk is doing no work.
%
A penny saved is ... a penny saved.  Think bigger.
%
If everything goes well, you've overlooked something.
%
The software required Win95 or better. I installed Linux.
%
"If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." - B Gates
%
"Once,"  adverb:  Enough.
%
A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.
%
A big enough hammer can usually fix anything.
%
A closed mouth gathers no flies.
%
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
%
A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.
%
A dime saved is a dollar earned. The rest is Uncle Sam's.
%
A diploma proves only that you know how to find an answer.
%
A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering everywhere.
%
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
%
A friend is something you earn.
%
A generation which ignores history has no past or future.
%
A good angle to approach any problem is the try-angle.
%
A good pun is its own reword.
%
A hangover:  the wrath of grapes.
%
A hen who lays an egg cackles as if it was an asteroid.
%
A hole is nothing but you can still break your neck in it.
%
A hundred stars do not equal the light of the one moon.
%
A KGB keyboard has no  key.
%
A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right.
%
A learned fool is more foolish than an ignorant fool.
%
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
%
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, or was it here?
%
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
%
A man should live forever, or die trying.
%
A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.
%
A man's house is his hassle.
%
A mob has many heads, but no brains.
%
A mouse is an elephant built in Japan.
%
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
%
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
%
A pen is mightier than a sword except it runs out of ink.
%
A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.
%
A person does not have a sense of humor, it has you.
%
A person with two watches is never sure what time it is.
%
A problem can be found for almost every solution.
%
A small object that is accidentally dropped will hide.
%
A statesman shears sheep, a politician skins them.
%
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
%
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its written on.
%
A)bort R)etry G)et a gun and kill it.
%
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
%
Abdominos... sit-ups & pizza.
%
Abolish mornings.
%
ACK and ye shall receive.
%
Acting is the art of keeping the audience from coughing.
%
Actions are usually right, but the reasons seldom are.
%
Adult:  One old enough to know better.
%
After a snowstorm, everybody's lawn looks the same.
%
After four decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%
Age is never a bar to human immaturity.
%
Age is only important if you're a cheese.
%
aibohphobia, n., The fear of palindromes.
%
Computers are like air conditioners:
they stop working properly when you open Windows.
%
Aliens have invaded Earth! How else do you explain DOS?
%
All for one; one for all, except me above all.
%
All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
-- Spike Milligan
%
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
%
All real programs contain errors.
%
All true wisdom is discovered in tag lines.
%
All wanting joy must share it, happiness was born a twin.
%
All warranties expire upon payment of this invoice.
%
All words are pegs on which to hang ideas.
%
All your future lies beneath your hat.
%
Always be smarter than the people who hire you.
%
Always look out for #1 and be careful not to step in #2.
%
Always put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
%
Always remember where you came from so you can return.
%
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
%
Always smile.  It makes people wonder what you're up to.
%
Always take aim at the Tidy Bowl Man.
%
Amazing how much you learn after thinking you know it all.
%
America was not discovered by Americans, shame on them.
%
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
%
An attacker must vanquish, a defender need only survive.
%
An idea is not responsible for fools who believe in it.
%
An inch of dog is better than a mile of pedigree.
%
An optimist invented an airplane; a pessimist a parachute.
%
An ounce of example is worth a ton of advice.
%
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
%
Anger always drives the mouth faster than the mind.
%
Anger is a wind which blows out the lamp of reason.
%
Antonym:  The opposite of the word you're searching for.
%
Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
%
Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse protects the fuse.
%
Any sufficiently advanced magic looks like technology.
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology looks like magic.
%
Any sufficiently advanced bug will become a feature.
%
Anybody can say they'll do something, few actualize it.
%
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
%
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
%
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken can be sung.
%
Anything worth doing is worth getting someone else to do.
%
Anything worth doing, is worth doing for a profit.
%
Apathy Error: Don't Bother Striking Any Key.
%
Architecture is the art of how to waste space.
%
Are RAM chips better than EWE chips?
%
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
%
As for me, all I know is that I know nothing.
%
As I learn, I know about more things I don't yet know.
%
As I said last week, I'll be done tomorrow.
%
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
%
As you stroll through life always remember: Hell sucks!
%
Ask not for whom the bell tolls; the answer can be deadly.
%
Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it.
%
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
%
Assumption #1: Dan Quayle is smarter than broccoli.
%
At all ages you are certain you still have another year.
%
At least you can always use my code as a bad example.
%
Avoid the 5 o'clock rush - always leave work at noon.
%
Bad command or file name.  Go stand in the corner.
%
Bad officials: elected by good citizens who fail to vote.
%
Bank Rule: To get a loan, first prove you don't need it.
%
Baroque: When you are out of Monet.
%
Bathroom scale: Something you stand on and swear at.
%
Be mischievous and creative, if they fit you.
%
Be reasonable ... Let's do it my way.
%
Be vewy, vewy quiet ... I'm hunting tagwines.
%
Beam me up Scotty... I swallowed my Phaser.
%
Before advising "be yourself", reassess his character.
%
Being alive: Concentrating on goals, not limitations.
%
Being punctual makes people think you have nothing to do.
%
Best thing about the future: it comes one day at a time.
%
Best way to appreciate a job: imagine yourself without it.
%
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
%
Biography: One of the terrors of death.
%
Blame Murphy when you dig at the wrong end of a rainbow.
%
Blessed are the pessimists, for they have made backups.
%
Blow your mind, smoke gunpowder.
%
Boy:  A noise with dirt on it.
%
Bug free, cheap, on time, works. Pick two.
%
Bugs are sons of glitches.
%
Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways.
%
By the time I have money to burn, my fire will be out.
%
By the time we've made it, we've had it.
%
California is a fine place to live, if you are an orange.
%
California raisins murdered! Cereal killer suspected.
%
Can I blame all of my spelling errors on line noise?
%
Can I go back to bed now?
%
Cats, proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad.
%
Cats teach that not everything in nature has a function.
%
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
%
Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
%
Caution! - Bug squashing in progress.
%
Cesarean Section: A historic district in Rome.
%
Character is much easier kept than recovered.
%
Childish Game: One at which your spouse beats you.
%
Children are curly, dimpled lunatics.
%
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
%
Common sense isn't.
%
Complexity isn't the answer - it's the problem.
%
Computations which yield 0 are probably all for naught.
%
Computer: a device designed to drive human beings insane.
%
Computers also eliminate spare time.
%
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
%
Computers byte and run.
%
Consult with a real expert - Call your mother.
%
Correct me if I'm wrong ... everybody else does.
%
DANGER: Human at keyboard.
%
Dawn: the time when men of reason go to bed.
%
Day-by-day a day goes by.
%
Death is certain, life isn't.
%
Death is nature's way for telling you you've slowed down.
%
Defeat is worse than death since you have to live with it.
%
Desk: A very large wastebasket with drawers.
%
Detour: The roughest distance between two points.
%
Did you know that no-one ever reads these things?
%
Difficult? I wish it had been impossible!
%
Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
%
Discoveries are often made by not following instructions.
%
Do not adjust your mind, the fault is with reality.
%
Documentation:  The last resort.
%
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
%
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
%
Don't Panic. Just push the Reset button.
%
Don't question authority; it doesn't know either.
%
Don't try to have the last word.  You might get it.
%
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
%
Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo.
%
Drilling for oil is boring.
%
Due to inflation, all clouds will now be lined with zinc.
%
Dumb v2.0:  Upgrade from stupid.
%
Emergency repair procedure #1: Kick it.
%
Empty vessels make the most sound.
%
Endocannibalism: The result of a really hungry cannibal.
%
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
%
Epitaph on a gravestone: Cheerio, see you soon.
%
Even when you're running the world, you can't get off.
%
Every human comes equipped with a brain at no extra cost.
%
Every person you meet knows something you don't. Learn.
%
Every solution breeds new problems.
%
Everyone is gifted. but some open the package sooner.
%
Everything goes wrong all at once.
%
Fact of life #15: Heads bleed, walls don't.
%
Fact: fourteen out of every ten people like chocolate.
%
Farfignewton: German for "ergonomic cookie."
%
Farfrompoopin: German word for constipation.
%
Fingers not found - Pound head on keyboard to continue.
%
Fire, Ready, Aim!
%
Flamers have uncontrollable vowel movements.
%
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
%
For many, the declension of life is: I go, you go, ego.
%
Four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Microwavable!
%
Give a small boy a hammer and everything needs pounding.
%
Give them all they want, and all they will want is more.
%
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
%
Go ahead, back up to the RAM disk.  I dare you.
%
God heals, but always someone else wants a fee.
%
Good luck is a lazy man's estimate of a worker's success.
%
Good memories are what your heart carries in its pockets.
%
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some more.
%
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
%
Growing old is mandatory, but growing wise is optional.
%
Happiness can't buy money.
%
Happiness, like misery, is usually self-inflicted.
%
Happiness: a combination of good health and a bad memory.
%
Hardware:  The parts of a computer that can be kicked.
%
Have you seen my mind? It was wandering again.
%
He who laughs last probably made a backup.
%
Hearts will never be practical 'til they're unbreakable.
%
Help me quick!  Someone must have turned reality back on.
%
Hex Dump:  Place for witches to get rid of used curses.
%
HHeellpp.. II''mm ssttuucckk iinn hhaallff--dduupplleexx..
%
WWhhaatt  ddooeess  ffuull  dduupplleexx  mmeeaann??
%
Hire a teenager while they still know it all.
%
Home, to a young boy, is merely a filling station.
%
Hospitals: Places where the run down wind up.
%
Hot water heaters?  Hot water needs heating?
%
Hotel: A place you give good dollars for bad quarters.
%
How time flies, when you have a heap of problems.
%
How you look depends on who is looking.
%
Hug your kids at home and belt 'em in the car.
%
Hug: A roundabout way of expressing affection.
%
Human Being: An ingenious assembly of portable plumbing.
%
Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
%
I almost stole another tagline. I'm so ashamed.
%
I always laugh at the wrong time.  At my own funeral....
%
I am always exact and precise (more or less).
%
I am not a dictator.  It's just I have a grumpy face.
%
I am perfectly sane, and so am I.
%
I am the terror that posts in the night.
%
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
%
I came; I saw; I screwed up.
%
I can be decisive, I think.
%
I can resist anything but temptation.
%
I can't use Windows.  My cat ate my mouse.
%
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.
%
I consider cake and ice-cream my just desserts.
%
I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.
%
I didn't get the documentation for the manuals.
%
I didn't write this; a very complex macro did.
%
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
%
I don' gotta show you no steenking tag line.
%
I don't believe in miracles, I rely on them.
%
I don't have to look up my family tree. I'm the sap.
%
I don't have the time for a hobby.  I have a computer.
%
I don't know what it is, but it's in great condition.
%
I don't want to be there when it's time for me to die.
%
I finally got it all together, but forgot where I put it.
%
I got lost in thought.  I was in unfamiliar territory.
%
I had a dislocated funny bone but it's better now.
%
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
%
I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died.
%
I have a really good memory, except it's short.
%
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
%
I haven't lost the weight, it's right here behind me.
%
I just found the last bug.
%
I just took an IQ test.  The results were negative.
%
I know nothing, I see nothing, I didn't wake up yet.
%
I know the answer, as long as you ask the right question.
%
I lost a button hole today.
%
I love standards, there are so many of them!
%
I may have settled in shipping.
%
I may not be perfect, but I am all I got.
%
I only wrote the thing, I don't have to understand it.
%
I tried to drown my problems but they can swim.
%
I was on a roll, until I slipped on the butter.
%
I wish I could come up with an original tagline.
%
I'm a pilot.  I pick it up here and pile it there.
%
I'm feeling argumentative. Please contradict me.
%
I'm making this up as I go along.
%
I'm not messy, I just ran out of STACK space.
%
I'm on the trailing edge of technology.
%
Ideas may be whole- left- right- or no-brained.
%
If all papers were smart enough, they would be currency.
%
If everyone thinks alike then somebody isn't thinking.
%
If I feel like exercise, I lie down until it passes.
%
If I were you, who'd be me?
%
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
%
If it works, it must be obsolete.
%
If it works perfectly, there's something wrong.
%
If it works; always tear it apart and find out why.
%
If it's more than you need, it's greed.
%
If it's not worth doing, it's not worth doing well.
%
If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.
%
If reality wants to reach me, it knows where I am.
%
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
%
If you can't make it good, make it big.
%
If you can't make it work, make a statistic of it.
%
If you continually give you will continually have.
%
If you didn't vote, no complaints about who's in or out.
%
If you explain so that nobody misunderstands, some will.
%
If you knew what you're talking about, you'd be dangerous.
%
If you know the spelling of a word, you will err anyway.
%
If you lie to the computer, it will get you in the end.
%
If you like this one, wait until you hear my next story.
%
If you NEED to count your money, you're not really rich.
%
If you search for the unknown, expect to be surprised.
%
If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments.
%
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
%
If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
%
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're upside down.
%
If your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
%
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
%
Important letters develop errors in the mail.
%
In space, lemmings have to shoot themselves.
%
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
%
Inflation is a result of legalized counterfeiting.
%
Irony: Giving father a billfold for Christmas.
%
Is a proofreader a blooper snooper?
%
It usually takes weeks to prepare an impromptu speech.
%
It will be done on time, if I can find the time.
%
It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.
%
It's always darkest before you step on the cat.
%
It's amazing how mature wisdom resembles being tired.
%
It's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
%
It's okay to wear the same thing every day: a smile.
%
Junk - stuff we throw away.  Stuff - junk we keep.
%
Junk will accumulate to overflow space provided for it.
%
Just when I make ends meet, someone moves one end.
%
Just when I've found the answer, you change the question.
%
Just when you think it's hopelessly broken, it works.
%
Keyboard, n.: Hardware used to enter errors into a computer.
%
Kindergarten Rules: Be kind. Be safe. Be protective.
%
Kleptomaniac: A thief that can afford a shrink.
%
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
%
Laundry: A place where clothes are mangled.
%
Law of Supply: It's yours if you don't need nor want it.
%
Law of Window Cleaning: The smudge is always on the other side.
%
Laws are like sausages, it is better to not see them made.
%
Let me know if this message doesn't get through to you.
%
Let's see your tagline hunting permit, sir.
%
Life is much easier if you look at the source code.
%
Life is something that happens when you can't sleep.
%
Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first.
%
Manuals come out, after all possible keystrokes fail.
%
Misspelled?  No way!  I use an error-correcting modem.
%
MS-DOS is a boot sector virus.
%
Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
%
Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
%
My hard disk went on a diet and lost its FAT.
%
My opinions expressed above are not necessarily mine.
%
My other tagline is a footnote.
%
Network management is like trying to herd cats.
%
Never buy a software package bigger than your head.
%
Never eat prunes when you're famished.
%
Never, never, never moon a werewolf!
%
Never say "oops."
%
Never test for a condition you don't know how to handle.
%
Never test for an error unless you're ready to handle it.
%
No job is too simple nor too small to make a mess out of.
%
Nothing is very funny when you're underneath it.
%
Notice: All incoming fire has the right of way.
%
OK, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to be eccentric.
%
One who is always in a stew generally goes to pot.
%
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
%
Only God can make a random selection.
%
Only the lead dog sees the scenery change.
%
Open mouth, insert foot, echo stupidity internationally.
%
Operator!....Trace this call and tell me where I am.
%
Orator: a two minute idea, a two hour vocabulary.
%
Paranoia:  the feeling that a tagline is about you.
%
Parts that cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
%
Pedestrians come in two types: Quick or Dead.
%
Poets are rather silent on the subject of cheese.
%
Police tagline.  Do not cross.
%
Press any key... NO!... except that one.
%
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
%
Purring ... the sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
%
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
%
Say something soft & sweet.     Marshmallow.
%
Seek not to follow footsteps but what they sought.
%
Shared pain is lessened;  shared joy is increased.
%
Silent gratitude isn't of much value to anyone.
%
Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine.
%
Snails' pace: .00758 mph.
%
Some are wise; others are otherwise....
%
Some days it takes effort to just keep up with the losers.
%
Some lose their tempers from seeing others keep theirs.
%
Someone superglued all my bytes onto my hard drive.
%
Sometimes the only solution is to find a new problem.
%
Sorry, a fatal error has occurred.  You're dead.
%
Stay away from flying saucers today.
%
Still here? The message is over.... Go Home.   Go On!
%
Stupidity has no limits, genius does.
%
Support FREE software.  Write it yourself.
%
Synonym: A word you use when you can't spell the other.
%
SYSOP: The guy that is laughing at your typing.
%
Tact: Recalling a lady's birthday but forgetting her age.
%
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
%
Taxation is little more than legalized extortion.
%
That must be wonderful. I don't understand it at all.
%
That was a pointing device? My cat thought it was dinner.
%
That which can be imagined can also actually be reality.
%
The answer is easier when the question is hypothetical.
%
The best insomnia cure is a good night's sleep.
%
The buck doesn't even slow down here.
%
The buck stops here, the doe just visits.
%
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
%
The characters in this message are recyclable.
%
The client who pays the least, always complains the most.
%
The future is not what it used to be.
%
The law of intelligent tinkering: save all the parts.
%
The longer the title, the less important the job.
%
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
%
The most expensive component always breaks first.
%
The most useless computer tasks are the most fun to do.
%
The old make the rules, the young make up the exceptions.
%
The only roses without thorns are love and friendship.
%
The only time I open my mouth is to change feet.
%
The other line always moves faster.
%
There's a brain in my tumor.
%
There's a whole generation of people out there my age.
%
There's nothing wrong with DOS that Unix wouldn't fix.
%
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid.
%
This button doesn't do anything.  Please press it again.
%
This is a test.  Please ignore -- oops, too late ;').
%
This machine is an instrument of terror.
%
This software will eliminate all misakes.
%
This tagline is umop apisdn.
%
Throw the keyboard out the window to continue.
%
Time slows if you're on the outside of the bathroom door.
%
Tips: Wages we pay other people's hired help.
%
To a cat, "NO!" means "Not while I'm looking."
%
To be or not to be...  What a stupid question.
%
Tonight's forecast: dark, followed by light.
%
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
%
Tower: "Say position."  Pilot: "Position."
%
I tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes!
%
True dignity: Remaining aloof during a prostate exam.
%
True terror: A female Klingon with PMS.
%
Truncated:  What happened to the peanut at the zoo.
%
Typos?  Blame my cat.
%
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
%
User Friendly, if you don't use it - its friendly.
%
VirusScan - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/y)"
%
Waiter, I'll have what the guy writhing on the floor had.
%
Warning:  Drinking tap water may kill your thirst.
%
We are all related...relatively speaking.
%
We're lost, but we're making good time.
%
We've replaced the Dilithium with new Folger's Crystals.
%
What hallucinations?
%
What light speed?  I can even surpass dark speed.
%
What the text giveth, the footnote taketh away.
%
Whatever you delete today, you desperately need tomorrow.
%
Whatever you have, spend less.
%
When all else fails, read the instructions.
%
When all else fails, dig out the dusty user's manual.
%
When all think alike, then no one is thinking.
%
When down in the mouth, think of Jonah, he came out OK.
%
When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane.
%
When someone turns things around, don't get run over.
%
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
%
When the going gets tough, the smart get lost.
%
When uncertain, or in doubt, run in circles and scream.
%
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
%
When you deal with the insane, always pretend you're sane.
%
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%
When you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
%
Where are those flashbacks they promised me?
%
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
%
Where there is a will, I want to be in it.
%
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
%
Where's there's smoke, there's toast.
%
Wherever you came from, you're not there now.
%
Who says you can't have it all?
%
Who's the Round Table's roundest knight?  Sir Cumference.
%
Why are there so many gnarly limbs on my family tree?
%
Why can't women remember to put the seat back up?
%
Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
%
Why do I always shrug my shoulders?  I have no idea.
%
Why do they call them briefings when they take so long?
%
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
%
Why is the alphabet in that order, because of the song?
%
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
%
Window-screen: An arrangement for keeping flies in.
%
Windows '95 - From the people who brought you EDLIN.
%
Windows '95 - The best $95 solitaire game you can buy.
%
Windows Error: 004 -- Operator fell asleep while waiting.
%
Windows, Icons, Mouse and Pointer = WIMP.
%
Windows is a real pane.
%
Windows, Just Say No.
%
Windows, An answer to a question nobody has ever asked.
%
Winter in Arizona falls on a Tuesday this year.
%
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old.
%
With some foreign food the less authentic, the better.
%
With two ways to spell a word, the wrong one will be used.
%
Without love and trust all you can be in life is alone.
%
Women do come with instructions, ask them!
%
Work is for those who have nothing better to do.
%
Worry is the interest paid on trouble in advance.
%
You can always easily find anything you don't want.
%
You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.
%
Freedom of speech does not mean I have to listen.
%
You can't fall off the floor.
%
You live and you learn - or you don't live long.
%
You must know your limits to break through them.
%
You think you have troubles?  Even my sundial is slow.
%
You'll always overlook one of those pins in a new shirt.
%
My best response: Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
%
Your call will be answered in the order it was ignored.
%
My Yin and Yang are no longer on speaking terms.
%
Youth + confidence + myopia = naivete.
%
Youth isn't a time of life, but a state of mind.
%
"Apple" (C) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
%
#include <sweeping_generality.h>
%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
%
2B, or not 2B, or should I use a pen?
%
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
%
A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
%
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
%
A little greed can get you lots of stuff.
%
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
%
All life's answers are on TV.  -- Bart Simpson
%
All stressed out, and no one to choke...
%
All the easy problems have been solved.
%
Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.
%
Don't get so worked up, it's only ones and zeros.
%
And now for something ruder...
%
Answers: $1   Correct answers: $5   Dumb looks: Free!
%
As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.
%
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
%
Don't take life seriously, it is not permanent.
%
Don't buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs.
%
Don't just do something!!! Stand there!!!
%
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
%
Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.
%
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
%
Elevators smell different to midgets.
%
Guru, n:  One who knows more jargon than you.
%
Guru, n:  A computer owner who can read the manual.
%
I don't need a disclaimer. I own the company!
%
I have a speech impediment... my foot.
%
I have seen the evidence.  I want different evidence!
%
I like to leave messages *before* the beep.
%
I was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
%
I wish life had a scroll-back buffer.
%
I've been seduced by the dark side of the chocolate.
%
If I had anything witty to say, I wouldn't put it here.
%
It's easy to apply yourself, just use crazy glue!
%
It's smart to pick your friends, but not your nose.
%
Microfiche: Sardines.
%
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
%
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
%
Pizza IS the four food groups!
%
Sign on Closed Nuclear Power Plant... "Gone Fission"
%
The road to success is always under construction.
%
The simple explanation always follows the complex solution.
%
Today is Monday, cleverly disguised as Tuesday.
%
Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
%
Too much month at the end of the money.
%
Trees hit cars only in self-defense.
%
Vultures only fly with carrion luggage.
%
Wanted: Volcano.  Average size.  Must be active.
%
Evil thrives when good people do nothing.
%
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
%
Oxymoron #50: Act naturally
%
Oxymoron #49: Found missing
%
Oxymoron #48: Resident alien
%
Oxymoron #47: Advanced BASIC
%
Oxymoron #46: Genuine imitation
%
Oxymoron #45: Airline Food
%
Oxymoron #44: Good grief
%
Oxymoron #43: Same difference
%
Oxymoron #42: Almost exactly
%
Oxymoron #41: Government organization
%
Oxymoron #40. Sanitary landfill
%
Oxymoron #39: Alone together
%
Oxymoron #38: Legally drunk
%
Oxymoron #37: Silent scream
%
Oxymoron #36: British fashion
%
Oxymoron #35: Living dead
%
Oxymoron #34: Small crowd
%
Oxymoron #33: Business ethics
%
Oxymoron #32: Soft rock
%
Oxymoron #31: Butt Head
%
Oxymoron #30: Military Intelligence
%
Oxymoron #29: Software documentation
%
Oxymoron #28: New York culture
%
Oxymoron #27: New classic
%
Oxymoron #26: Sweet sorrow
%
Oxymoron #25: Childproof
%
Oxymoron #24: "Now, then ..."
%
Oxymoron #23: Synthetic natural gas
%
Oxymoron #21: Passive aggression
%
Oxymoron #20: Taped live
%
Oxymoron #19: Clearly misunderstood
%
Oxymoron #18: Peace force
%
Oxymoron #17: Extinct Life
%
Oxymoron #16: Temporary tax increase
%
Oxymoron #15: Computer jock
%
Oxymoron #14: Plastic glasses
%
Oxymoron #13: Terribly pleased
%
Oxymoron #12: Computer security
%
Oxymoron #11: Political science
%
Oxymoron #10: Tight slacks
%
Oxymoron #9: Definite maybe
%
Oxymoron #8: Pretty ugly
%
Oxymoron #7: Twelve-ounce pound cake
%
Oxymoron #6: Diet ice cream
%
Oxymoron #5: Rap music
%
Oxymoron #4: Working vacation
%
Oxymoron #3: Exact estimate
%
Oxymoron #2: Tax refund
%
Oxymoron #1: Microsoft Works
%
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
%
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
%
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
%
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
%
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
%
"I am not young enough to know everything." -- Oscar Wilde
%
"When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers."
-- Oscar Wilde
%
A witty saying proves nothing. -- Voltaire
%
(calloc(1,sizeof(geek)))
%
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
%
For a real sponge cake, borrow all the ingredients.
%
The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.
%
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
%
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
%
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
%
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
%
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut
%
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
%
The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
%
"Nuclear war would really set back cable." -- Ted Turner
%
Reality -- what a concept!  -- Robin Williams
%
Unnamed Law:  If it happens, it must be possible.
%
bug, n:  A son of a glitch.
%
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
%
Ambiguity:  Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
%
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
%
Sattinger's Law:  It works better if you plug it in.
%
To teach is to learn.
%
That that is is that that is not is not.
%
Life is both difficult and time consuming.
%
Am I ranting?  I hope so.  My ranting gets raves.
%
There's only one everything.
%
He who dies with the most toys... still dies.
%
If you're not outraged - you're not paying attention.
%
My other tagline is funny.
%
The face is familiar - but I can't quite remember my name.
%
The more things change, the more they remain insane.
%
Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.
%
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
%
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to ME.
%
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
%
Cannibal:  Someone who is fed up with people.
%
Handkerchief:  Cold Storage.
%
Yawn:  An honest opinion openly expressed.
%
Tomorrow:  One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
%
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
%
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
%
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
%
School lunches stick to the wall.
%
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
%
A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
%
Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.
%
Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
%
Crawling still gets you there.
%
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
%
You can't start over just because you're losing the game.
%
If a tree had apples last year, don't expect pears this year.
%
You can't be everyone's best friend.
%
If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
%
Silence can be an answer.
%
People who talk about infallibility are on very shaky ground.
%
Oregano, n.: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
%
The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
%
Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
%
We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. -- Eric Hoffer
%
You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
%
When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
%
Truth has no past and no future. It is, that's all it needs to be.
%
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
%
Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
%
Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
%
There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
%
Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
%
Buy land now.  It's not being made any more.
%
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
%
Delay is preferable to error.  -- Thomas Jefferson
%
"I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I
have of it."  -- Thomas Jefferson
%
"The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain
occasions, that I wish it always to be kept alive."  -- Thomas Jefferson
%
"When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the
government fears the people, there is liberty."  -- Thomas Jefferson
%
"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties
than standing armies."  -- Thomas Jefferson
%
"Trust me":  Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
%
Cursor, n.:  One whose program will not run.  -- Robb Russon
%
The only thing better than love is chocolate milk.
%
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.  -- Indian proverb
%
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
%
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
%
I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
%
To err is human, to moo bovine.
%
The way some people find fault, you'd think there was a reward.
%
What goes up must come down.  Ask any system administrator.
%
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, Dolefully.
%
"That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said offhandedly.
%
<----   The information went data way.   ---->
%
Forgiveness is love in its most noble form.
%
Rehab is for quitters.
%
Well, what if there is no tomorrow?  There wasn't one today.
%
Why is American beer served cold?  So you can tell it from urine.
%
I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
%
You can't propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
%
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
%
Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
%
Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
%
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
%
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
%
Stamp out organized crime!  Abolish the IRS.
%
History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
%
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
%
Born free...Taxed to death.
%
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
%
Reality?  Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
%
Warning:  Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
%
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
%
"Gravity is a harsh mistress."  -- The TICK
%
Take my advice, I'm not using it.
%
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
%
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
%
Great minds run in great circles.
%
"I like my job, I like my work, I LOVE my days off."
%
idleness, n.: Leisure gone to seed.
%
Trust in God, but lock your car.
%
When programmers die, they get deallocated.
%
When programmers die, their values become undefined.
%
When programmers die, they get re-initialized.
%
When programmers die, their structures break down.
%
When programmers die, they start dropping bits.
%
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
%
Never reveal your best argument.
%
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
%
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
%
It's been Monday all week today.
%
No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
%
Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
%
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
%
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
%
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
%
The trouble with money is it costs too much!
%
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
%
No Jesus, no peace.  Know Jesus, know peace.
%
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
%
DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.
%
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
%
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
%
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
%
Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.
%
A signature reveals ones character, and sometimes their name.
%
You can run, but you'll just die tired.
%
Clones are people, two.
%
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
%
Support bacteria;  It's the only culture some people have.
%
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
%
Actual headline: Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
%
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
%
L-U-C-K -- Laboring Under Correct Knowledge.
%
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they conceal is more important than what they reveal.
%
Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!
%
And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
%
The difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know it, and I couldn't care less...
%
ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment in about an hour.
%
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
%
Q:  What's brown and sticky?
A:  A stick!                
%
Q:  What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A:  Anyone can roast beef.                                
%
You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
%
Microsoft is not the answer.  Microsoft is the question.
NO (or Linux) is the answer.
%
The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash,
it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
%
I/O, I/O, It's off to disk I go,
A bit or byte to read or write, I/O, I/O, I/O...
%
I'm so dumb I don't even have wisdom teeth.
%
"One World, One Web, One Program" - Microsoft Promotional Ad
"Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer" - Adolf Hitler            
%
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
%
Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.
%
You get a democracy when three wolves and a sheep vote on what to
have for dinner.
%
"You are in front of me. If you value your lives, be somewhere else."
-- Ambassador Delenn, B5
%
Having a non-smoking section in a restaurant
is like having a non-peeing section in a pool.
%
If you can't play with words, what good are they?
%
If crime doesn't pay, why do we have so many politicians?
%
"If it's not loud, it doesn't work!" -- Blank Reg, from "Max Headroom"
%
Warning: Some of my best mistakes are yet to be made.
If we learn from our mistakes, I will learn a lot today.
%
Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.  -- Foghorn Leghorn
%
The early bird gets the worm, but the second rat gets the cheese.
%
WWRD?   RWRTFM!   - Greg Andrews in the Scary Devil Monastery
%
Q:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?        
A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
%
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
%
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and swing.
%
The road to success is marked with many tempting parking places.
%
Procrastinate Now
%
Ham and Eggs
A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
%
My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.
%
Smoking: Suicide on an installment plan.
%
You and I do not see things as they are.  We see things as we are.
%
Everyone has a right to be stupid.  Some just abuse the privilege.
%
Yesterday is history.  Tomorrow a mystery.  Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!
%
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
%
He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.  -- Unknown
%
History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
%
If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
%
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
%
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
%
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
%
The first myth of management is that it exists.
%
Men are like blisters:  They don't show up until all the work is done!
%
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
%
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
%
If we quit voting will they all go away?
%
I do whatever my rice krispies tell me to.
%
Boldly Going Nowhere
%
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
%
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
%
Polarize:  What penguins see with.
%
"There's always free cheese in a mousetrap."  -- Ben Shepley
%
A bad day gone worse only makes for a better day tomorrow.  -- Ben Shepley
%
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
%
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
%
Nurphy's law:  Anything that can't be misspelled will be.
%
Life is like photography.  We use the negative to develop.
%
"Faith is a refusal to panic."  -- D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones
%
You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
%
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
%
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
%
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
%
I'm out of bed and dressed; what more do you want?
%
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
%
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
%
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
teach him to use the Web and he won't bother you for weeks.
%
I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
%
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
%
My house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
%
Experience varies directly with the equipment ruined.
%
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize
a mistake when you make it again.  -- F. P. Jones
%
Experience is recognizing what didn't work last time either.
%
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
%
A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
%
"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad
judgment."  -- Barry LePatner
%
A learning experience is one of those things that says,
"You know that thing you just did? Don't do that."  -- Douglas Adams
%
The one good thing about repeating mistakes is you know when to cringe.
-- D. Joseph Creighton
%
"WARNING - Do not swallow the battery door"
-- Motorola minipager Instruction Manual.
%
If NT is your answer, you don't understand the question.
%
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
%
"Don't be so humble. You're not that great."  -- Golda Meir
%
"If you lend me some money, it'll be my treat."
-- Akane Tendo  "Ranma 1/2"
%
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
%
Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, you're a mile away and you have their shoes too.
%
"Help Microsoft stamp out Piracy. Give Linux to a Friend Today!"
-- SurfUp on Slashdot
%
"So Linus, what are we doing tonight?"
"The same thing we do every night Tux. Try to take over the world!"
%
Windows 2000: Designed for the Internet
The Internet: Designed for UNIX        
%
[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.  -- K&R
%
"I am a human being, being human."  -- Nyssa@ChaoticMUX
%
"If you continue running Windows, your system may become unstable."
-- Windows 95 BSOD
%
I owe, I owe, It's off to work I go...
%
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
%
If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
%
Screw world peace; visualize using your turn signal!
%
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
%
Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking.
Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making.  -- Lee Ann Womack
%
Wait a minute, we have an infinite number of monkeys,
and Usenet looks nothing like Shakespeare!
%
Sanity is not a normal state of mind.
%
Is there a lawyer in the house? BANG! Any more?
%
EMACS - Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping
%
Quote of the day: `
%
Quote of the day: '
%
Quote of the day: "
%
There is no such thing as sufficiently intimidating.
  -- numerous residents of the Scary Devil Monastery
%
whose?  my   your    his   her    our    their    *its* 
who's?  I'm  you're  he's  she's  we're  they're  *it's*
%
"Screams erupted at a nearby hotel, where Microsoft founder Bill Gates was
addressing an education and technology conference."  -- 01/03/2001
%
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
%
"I'd tell you but I'd have to kill you."
"Okay, but it better be good."
%
It's not the bullet that has your name on it you have to worry about,
It's all those other ones marked 'To whom it may concern'!
%
"The avalanche has already started.  It is too late for the pebbles to vote."
-- Kosh, "Babylon 5"
%
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
%
It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill - just add a little
dirt.
%
The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
%
Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
-- J.J. Gibson
%
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a night.
If you set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
%
"Outlook not so good." That magic 8-ball knows everything!
I'll ask about Exchange Server next.
%
I think ... therefore, I am overqualified.
%
Hell, I can *never* afford to go by Fry's. It always wants to turn
into 'go buy Fry's'.   -- Shalon Wood in the Scary Devil Monastery
%
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
%
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
%
Never refuse a breath mint when offered.
%
Nothing is more fun than evangelism.  -- Larry Wall
%
If I could find the words I would write it all down,
If I could only find a voice I would speak.   -- Meatloaf
%
"Incontinence Helpline ... Please hold"
%
Why do programmers always get Haloween and Christmas confused?
Because Oct(31)==Dec(25)
%
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."  -- Benjamin Franklin
%
"There is a fine line between coincidence and fate." - The Mummy Returns
%
"You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down,
Secret obvious, and Sure confused."  -- Anonymous
%
Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
%
Time is the best teacher... Unfortunately, it eventually kills all of its
students.  -- Robin Williams
%
Life is like a diaper -- short and loaded.
%
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
[Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.]
%
Dime is money.
%
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
%
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to
suspect "Hungry." -- a Larson cartoon
%
Life is a series of rude awakenings. -- R.V. Winkle
%
Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
%
It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
%
Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
%
No matter how cynical you think you are, reality is going to find a
way to make you look naive.  -- Shmuel in the Scary Devil Monastery
%
There are 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
%
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
%
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
%
How can there be self-help "groups"?
%
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs  
and ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved', the pig was 'committed'.
%
596F75206A7573742076696F6C617465642074686520444D43412E0A
7777772E616E74692D646D63612E6F72670A
%
Stubbornness will get you where self-esteem won't let you go.
-- Queen of Swords in the Scary Devil Monastery
%
When the SysAdmin answers the phone politely, say "sorry", hang up and run
awaaaaay!
%
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
%
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
%
The difference between the Pope and your boss:
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
%
My mind works like lightning.  One brilliant flash and it's gone.
%
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
    -- Lily Tomlin
%
Lava Lamps: Visual Valium
%
For the best seat in the house, move the cat.
%
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the
closest our country has ever been to being even."  -- Will Rogers
%
"Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. It's rational and always works
the same way."  -- Jerold Rochwald
%
O'Toole's corollary:  Murphy was an optimist.
%
I know God won't give me anything I can't handle.
I just wish He didn't trust me so much!
%
vi vi vi -- The Editor of the Beast
%
"Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see
it tried on him personally."  -- Abraham Lincoln
%
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
character, give him power."  -- Abraham Lincoln
%
"Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product."
-- Ferenc Mantfeld in the the Scary Devil Monastery
%
Contrary to popular belief, Unix is user friendly. It just happens to be very
selective about who its friends are.   --  Kyle Hearn
%
"Security-wise, NT is a server with a 'Kick me' sign taped to it."
-- Peter Gutmann in the Scary Devil Monastery
%
Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
%
Tech Support: The guys who follow the 'Parade of New Products' with a shovel.
-- Jay Mottern in the Scary Devil Monastery
%
()  ASCII ribbon campaign - Against HTML mail.            
/\                        - Against Microsoft attachments.
%
Microsoft is to software what McDonalds is to gourmet cooking.
%
Home is where your house is.
%
"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than coming up it."
-- Allen's Law
%
Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
%
Hofstadter's law: "It always takes longer than you expect,
even when you take Hofstadter's law into account."
%
Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
%
"I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected."
-- Henny Youngman
%
"If breathing required conscious thought, the world population would be on a
sharp decline."  -- Greg in the Scary Devil Monastery
%
If clues were shoes, most people would be barefoot.
%
"South Carolina: Too small for a country, too big for an insane asylum."
-- David Ralston
%
A lie is terminological inexactitude.  -- Sir Winston Churchill
%
I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great
ordeal of meeting me is another matter.  -- Sir Winston Churchill
%
It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only
be grasped on link at a time.  -- Sir Winston Churchill
%
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
-- Sir Winston Churchill
%
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
-- Mark Twain
%
Love your enemy, it will scare the hell out of them.  -- Mark Twain
%
Never let school interfere with your education.  -- Mark Twain
%
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.  -- Mark Twain
%
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
%
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain
%
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.  -- Mark Twain
%
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.  -- Mark Twain
%
Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
-- Mark Twain
%
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.  -- Mark Twain
%
Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.
-- Mark Twain
%
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to
reform.  -- Mark Twain
%
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to
read.  -- Mark Twain
%
I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts.
-- Mark Twain
%
A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its
shoes.  -- Mark Twain
%
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
-- Mark Twain
%
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool
than to open it and remove all doubt.  -- Mark Twain
%
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the
difference between lightning and a lightning bug.  -- Mark Twain
%
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.  -- Mark Twain
%
Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.  -- Mark Twain
%
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or
not."  -- Mark Twain
%
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is
a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a
vegetarian.  -- Dennis Wholey
%
perl -we 'print((split("","HJPacehklnorstu \n"))[1,14,12,
13,15,3,9,10,13,6,5,11,15,2,5,11,8,15,0,3,4,7,5,11,16]);'
%
perl -wle 'print((split(""," anotherlcksuJPH"))
[13..11,4,0..7,0,14,6..8,0,15,1,9,10,6,7]);' 
%
perl -e '$_="4A75737420616E6F74686572205065726C20
4861636B65720A";print chr hex for(split(/(..)/))'
%
Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
%
There is no such thing as a "worst-case scenario."
Things could always be worse.
%
Please avoid sending me Word or PowerPoint attachments.
See http://www.fsf.org/philosophy/no-word-attachments.html
%
"Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the
rabbit."  -- R.E. Shay
%
"The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me."  -- Steven Wright
%
"I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an entire evening in
front of it in only eight minutes."  -- Steven Wright
%
"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?"  -- Steven Wright
%
Ennui is sometimes good. It's a lot less taxing than an emotional crisis.
-- Phinnia on LiveJournal
%
I've got that happy, just-licked-out-the-brownie-batter-bowl kinda feelin'
-- Solcita on LiveJournal
%
Every MS product is a "demo".  -- Kenny McCormack in comp.editors
%
When it comes down to it, searching the web without Google is like straining
sewage with your teeth.  -- UserFriendly, Mike
%
"Personally, I think that shinymorninghappy people are either drugged or just
not paying attention."  -- ororo on LiveJournal
%
Lots of couples say, "We want a baby."
I never heard one say, "We want a teen-ager."  -- Ruth Moore
%
You have to live like there's no tomorrow, love like you've never been hurt,
dance like nobody's watching and work like you don't need the money.
%
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by
stupidity.  -- Hanlon's Razor
%
Stupidity, when maintained long enough, _is_ a form of malice.
-- Richard's corollary to Hanlon's Razor.
%
"Understanding is a three-edged sword.
Your side, their side, and the truth."  -- JMS, "Babylon 5"
%
If you place a small value on yourself, rest assured, the world will not
raise your price.
%
I think it's a beautiful day to go to the zoo and feed the ducks.
...To the lions.  -- Brian Kantor
%
Violence is the last resort of the incompetent.
The competent, of course, make it their *first* resort.
%
"Power corrupts, PowerPoint corrupts absolutely."  -- Vint Cerf
%
Remember, a lone amateur built the ark but a group of professionals built the
Titanic.
%
"Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, 'you have to put your two cents
in?'  Somebody's making a penny."  -- George Carlin
%
Alternate definitions, #1: Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
%
Alternate definitions, #2: Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much
weight you have gained.
%
Alternate definitions, #3: Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having
a flat stomach.
%
Alternate definitions, #4: Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while
drunk.
%
Alternate definitions, #5: Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which
you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
%
Alternate definitions, #6: Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
%
Alternate definitions, #7: Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
%
Alternate definitions, #8: Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks
you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
%
Alternate definitions, #9: Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
%
Alternate definitions, #10: Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor
assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
%
Alternate definitions, #11: Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his
conversation with Yiddish expressions.
%
Alternate definitions, #12: Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you
die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
%
Alternate definitions, #13: Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
%
Saying "back in my day" is an admission that today is not your day.
%
"I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
so I took his shoes."  -- Dave Barry
%
"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."
-- Dave Barry
%
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
%
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
%
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like
expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
%
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
%
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really
quite busy.
%
Money does not talk. It just goes without saying.
%
Just remember, you can't spell Manslaughter without Laughter!
%
Most men would die for the one they loved -- that's easy.
The question is would they live for her? That's the hard part.
%
"It's not that our liberal friends are ignorant.
It's just that they know so much that isn't so."  -- Ronald Reagan
%
How do you spot an extroverted computer geek?
He stares at *your* shoes when talking to you.
%
Don't anthropomorphize computers.  They hate that.
%
What people commonly call fate is mostly their own stupidity.
- Arthur Schopenhauer
%
"The incredible always happens in real life," Tse-Mallory chided her.
"It's the expected which makes up most fiction."  -- Alan Dean Foster
%
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
-- Krishnamurti
%
Only a dead fish goes with the flow.  -- Ethan Evans
%
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence?
There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.  -- Gallagher
%
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure
about the universe."  -- Albert Einstein
%
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can
solve them.   -- Isaac Asimov
%
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
-- Isaac Asimov
%
"Vehemence is no guarantee of truth."  -- Isaac Asimov
%
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
-- Isaac Asimov
%
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
-- Isaac Asimov
%
Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of
us who do.  -- Isaac Asimov
%
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.  -- Isaac Asimov
%
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
-- Isaac Asimov
%
It's easy to love people in China.
It's tougher to love the person living next door.
%
Sex isn't life. But life's impossible with out it.
%
No amount of money in the world is worth not being able to look at yourself
in the mirror.
%
I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing.
It's not holding a charge.  -- Edward Chilton
%
Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity,
and higher education positively fortifies it.  -- Stephen Vizinczey
%
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead
of using it.  -- Gordon R. Dickson
%
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.  -- Wolfgang Pauli
%
Life is something that everyone should try at least once.
-- Henry J. Tillman
%
Nobody believes the official spokesman...
but everybody trusts an unidentified source.  -- Ron Nesen
%
The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to
admitting it.   -- Doug Larson
%
"Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it."
-- Jane Wagner
%
A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.
-- Wilson Mizner
%
"I think my toes are jealous of my fingers because they get to point at
things."  -- Jon in "Garfield"
%
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
-- Winston Churchill
%
"Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth."  -- Lillian Hellman
%
"I don't necessarily agree with everything I say."  -- Marshall McLuhan
%
"The big thieves hang the little ones."  -- Czech Proverb
%
"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him."
-- Robert Benchley
%
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist
on coming along and trying to put things in it.  -- Terry Pratchett
%
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
-- Lily Tomlin
%
"What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is
alive?"  -- Irv Kupcinet
%
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
%
It takes 23 muscles to frown but only six to pull the pin out of a grenade.
%
"There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity."
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%
"Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress
requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things."
-- Russell Baker
%
If you believe everything you read, better not read.  -- Japanese Proverb
%
"One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the
work of one extraordinary man."  -- Elbert Hubbard
%
"English doesn't borrow from other languages.  English follows other
languages down dark alleys, knocks them over and goes through their
pockets for loose grammar."  -- Unknown
%
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be
disappointed to discover they are not it."  -- Bernard Bailey
%
"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."  -- Voltaire
%
"Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one."  -- A. J. Liebling
%
"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
-- Doctor Who
%
"First things first, but not necessarily in that order."  -- Doctor Who
%
Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing,
doing nothing, and being nothing.
%
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."
-- Thomas Szasz
%
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
%
"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored."  -- Aldous Huxley
%
"Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is
willing to see less."  -- Rabbi Julius Gordon
%
"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people He
gives it to."  -- Dorothy Parker
%
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.
%
"Drama is life with the dull bits cut out."  -- Alfred Hitchcock
%
"Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address."
-- Lane Olinghouse
%
"When only cops have guns, it's called a 'police state.'"
-- Robert Heinlein
%
"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find
easier ways to do something."  -- Robert Heinlein
%
"Take sides! Always take sides! You will sometimes be wrong--but the man who 
refuses to take sides must always be wrong! Heaven save us from poltroons who
fear to make a choice. Let us stand up and be counted."  -- Robert Heinlein  
%
"I'm not screwed. I'm beyond screwed. Screwed is sitting across the room,
waving at me, and saying, 'Hi! Glad I'm not you!'"  -- Unknown
%
"The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow
out of it."  -- Doris Day
%
"Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have
to ram it down their throats."  -- Howard Aiken
%
"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level."
-- Quentin Crisp
%
"No fair!" is the protest of one who didn't think of it first.
%
"Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of
Paul."  -- George Bernard Shaw
%
"You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club."
-- Jack London
%
"A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly
strangled."  -- Sir Barnett Cocks
%
"A superstition is a premature explanation that overstays its time."
-- George Iles
%
Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
%
"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk." -- Rita Rudner
%
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
%
"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."  -- Rush
%
A conservative is a liberal who just got mugged.  
A liberal is a conservative who just got arrested.
%
"Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting."  -- John Russell
%
"Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not
believe you anyway."  -- Elbert Hubbard
%
Did Sigmund's wife wear Freudian slips?
%
"The battle is the LORD's"  -- 1 Samuel 17:45-47
%
Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.
-- 2 Nephi 2:25
%
"A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with
company."  -- Gian Vincenzo Gravina
%
"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy.
I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" -- Charles M. Schulz
%
Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised.
-- Marilyn Manson
%
"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money."
-- David Richerby
%
The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is inefficiency. An
efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty. - Eugene McCarthy
%
"The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it."
-- William Gibson
%
"Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a
rainy Sunday afternoon."  -- Susan Ertz
%
"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are,
'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'"  -- Ronald Reagan
%
"It's a dangerous business going out your front door."  -- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
“Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they
are subtle and quick to anger.”  -- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
"A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the
truth about its author."  -- G. K. Chesterton
%
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known,
then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."  -- Fred Allen
%
"I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking
them."  -- Jane Austen
%
"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it."
-- Michel de Montaigne
%
"To do just the opposite is also a form of imitation."
-- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
%
"Formerly, when religion was strong and science weak, men mistook magic for
medicine; now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine
for magic."  -- Thomas Szasz
%
"There is no nonsense so gross that society will not, at some time, make a
doctrine of it and defend it with every weapon of communal stupidity."
-- Robertson Davies
%
"It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power
attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things
than power."  -- David Brin
%
"You are not superior just because you see the world in an odious light."
-- Vicomte de Chateaubriand
%
"Our doubts are traitors,                                               
And make us lose the good we oft might win                              
By fearing to attempt."  -- Shakespeare "Measure for Measure" (1.4.87-9)
%
"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends."
-- Herbert Hoover
%
"The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps."
-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be
afraid of their people."  -- V in "V for Vendetta"
%
Remember, remember the 5th of November. The gunpowder, treason, and plot.
I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.
-- V for Vendetta
%
Evey: "Are you, like, a crazy person?"                     
V:    "I am quite sure they will say so." -- V for Vendetta
%
Corn oil comes from corn and olive oil comes from olives,
so where does baby oil come from?
%
"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever."  -- Anonymous
%
"The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative
the day after the revolution."  -- Hannah Arendt
%
"Societies not only evolve, they also rot."
-- Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia
%
"Ninety percent of everything is crap."  -- Sturgeon's Law
"This is also true of the remaining ten percent."  -- Whitten's Corollary
%
"They misunderestimated me."
-- George W. Bush, Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
%
"It has been proven that more Americans watch television than any other
appliance."  -- Gary Mule Deer
%
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up
and hurry off as if nothing ever happened."  -- Sir Winston Churchill
%
"Rumor has it that if you play Microsoft CDs backwards you will hear satanic
messages.   Worse still, is that if you play them forwards they will install
Windows."  -- Unknown
%
"Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have
to ram it down their throats."  -- Howard Aiken
%
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging
their prejudices."  -- William James
%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum.
(I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds;
and the pessimist fears this is true."  -- James Branch Cabell
%
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?'
Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"
-- Charles M. Schulz
%
"To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in
doing it."  -- G. K. Chesterton
%
"The trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is
that you very often succeed."  -- C. S. Lewis
%
"Living in a vacuum sucks."  -- Adrienne E. Gusoff
%
"Virtue is its own punishment."  -- Aneurin Bevan
%
"Careful. We don't want to learn from this."  -- Bill Watterson
%
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who
have not got it."  -- George Bernard Shaw
%
"It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without
changing a single idea."  -- Robert Anton Wilson
%
"We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us."
-- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
%
$this->hasFlavr() ? $nom->nom('nom') : $want->doNot();
%
"Death is your reward for surviving life."  -- Scott
%
"Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour
vocabulary."  -- Evan Esar
%
"Never believe anything until it has been officially denied."
-- Claud Cockburn
%
"If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done."
-- Ludwig Wittgenstein
%
"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."  -- Dave Barry
%
"Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was."
-- Margaret Mitchell
%
"That we occasionally violate our own stated moral code does not imply that
we are insincere in espousing that code."  -- Neal Stephenson